the list-less life.
For most of my life I have been an
avid list-maker. My husband laughs at me each time I announce a new list I’ve
created. I make lists when I read the Bible of what I should be doing. I make lists of housework and projects to be
done. I make lists of friends I need to catch up with. I make lists of things
to pray for. I make lists of foods I should be eating. Heck, I make lists for
my lists.
Seven months ago, though, my life took
a huge turn. A turn for the better, no doubt! But when I became a mama, my
schedule became way too busy to organize every aspect of my life out on paper.
If I have a spare twenty minutes, I fold a load of laundry. If I have a spare
two minutes, I throw the load of laundry that I intended to fold back into the dryer to give the
appearance of a clean house before my husband gets off work. The days of
writing out a detailed itinerary for my day are long gone, and it’s a good
thing, because most days would probably resemble the following:
1 . Feed Myla
2 . Change
Myla
3 . Play with
Myla
4 . Try to get
ready, but end up choosing between hair & makeup because Myla's ready to eat again
5 . Try to do
load of dishes but only get half done because Myla is screaming
6 . Repeat
steps 1-5
The truth is that at one point in time
this progression- or lack thereof- would have depressed me. But I’ve learned to
praise God for overcoming the “legal-list” within. This is because my tendency
to go list-crazy goes deeper than just an organizational method. It symbolizes
the way I’ve unintentionally viewed my relationship with the Lord for many
seasons. Instead of living by the root of the gospel message- to walk by faith
and function by grace- I feel good or bad about myself based on my to-do’s. If
I spend an hour reading, praying, worshipping, etc., I feel God must love me
more; and on the other hand, when I sleep in and only fit a Psalm into my
morning, I feel anxious and distant from what I assume must be a disappointed
Father in heaven. Obviously, this is SO opposite of our Lord, but it’s a battle
I believe with most Christians to fight the “do-gooder-and-feel-badder” in all
of us.
My time with the Lord now looks
completely different. It’s rare I get
even a half-hour straight to sit down and read or pray. Many days I play a
sermon while I’m doing dishes or read a chapter while the baby naps. I’ll pray
on our walk and sing worship as I rock Myla to sleep. But through this
beautiful season I’ve seen the faithfulness of our God even when we are
faithless. I’ve seen His compassion through the nights I impatiently get up yet
another time to calm a crying baby. I’ve seen that He is delighted to meet me
in a moment of desperation after I’ve set off the fire alarm burning dinner
because Myla just threw up on the outfit I just
got on her. The farthest I get on a list nowadays is number one and number
two—and they’re done in diapers not on notebooks. But that’s okay. More than
okay… because through this new season, I’ve seen a new side- a new depth- to
the grace of my Savior.
Hmmmm I wonder if this will work if I don't have an email address....
ReplyDeletebut on to my comment.
Oh what a list maker I am. I sometimes write a newly completed task on my list that I forgot to write, and then immediately cross it off, just for the pleasure of closure.......Ah Martha.....did she realize her Lord could have just created the meal and fed the visitors with a word?
Gr. Linda