Lust, Lies & Ashley Madison

A few weeks ago, an unapologetically advertised “affair website” was hacked- the names of 32 million unfaithful spouses spilled out into the public. The veneers of marriages within every US zip code (other than three, whose city populations are either under 100 or out of internet reception) have been brutally (if not mercifully) ripped off. Underneath lies the ugly state of the human heart- and the sad condition of our world’s marriages.  There is a new household name buzzing:

Ashley Madison.

For 32 million families, this name represents devastation, heartache, and infidelity. 

For the rest of us women, whose world may not have been turned upside down with this leaked list, Ashley Madison still represents so much:  The threat of what could happen.  The fear that we are not enough.  The reminder that lust is a powerful, evil force- no longer subtle, no longer hidden- in our culture.

My natural reaction to the sickness in my stomach that presents itself upon the news of these scandals is to grasp at some illusion of control.  If I just look better, act nicer, try harder, do more… then I can prevent this devastation from ever touching my marriage.   I sadly confess that this was the reaction I acted upon of for the first couple years of marriage whenever I was reminded of the strong pull this world has on men’s minds.

But God has been teaching me so much… About gospel-centered marriage.  About the lust of men.  And perhaps most unexpectedly, about the lust of women. 

Oh, I’m not talking about sexual fantasies and adulterous longings- though it would be a grievous mistake to exclude women from that type of struggle.  I’m talking about every woman’s desire to be desired.

I am personally so thankful to be in a church that regularly addresses the battle men have with lust, and would not suggest even for a second that we should take sexual sins more lightly.  I know countless men, women, and families who have dealt with the grievous consequences of these sins.  So the question I am raising is not “Should men’s sexual struggles hurt us?”  The question I am raising is, “Why does men’s sexual struggle hurt us?”

I can tell you why it hurt me:  I wanted to be my husband’s savior.  As a consequence, I tried to objectify all beauty for one man. I did not realize at the time that I was not helping to transform his mind- I was merely transferring his idolatry.

If men are wired to believe the lie that another woman will satisfy them, we are equally as prone to believe the lie that we can satisfy men.  This manifests itself in temporary and shifting happiness, pending on the welfare of our marriage.  And it always ultimately results in jealousy, insecurity, and covetousness as we see our efforts fail.

We expect our husbands to wrestle and cringe; we call upon them to pray and overcome their temptations as they face the borage of thoughts and images constantly assaulting their eyes and mind.  But do we address our battles of insecurity and covetousness- our longing to be worshipped- with the same fierce devotion? 

We are not the cure to their sin.  And when we attempt to be, we are grieving our Heavenly Father’s heart and damaging the purpose of marriage and sexuality.

Ashley Madison should bring a sense of gravity and somberness, when we think upon its implications.  But it should grieve us NOT because it makes us feel worthless, but because they are failing to treasure God.  It should sadden us NOT because we want to be their fulfillment, but because we sincerely desire them to make Christ their everything. While it is natural to want a man with eyes for us alone, I pray we would all want a husband with eyes for God alone.

Men and women, followers of Jesus: we are in the same war, on the same team, with the same destination.  Only the truth that HE alone satisfies will crush the lies the devil whispers to men and women.   Let us remind each other daily of that beautiful, gospel truth!