Mirror, mirror

People often speak of the shock and horror they experienced after their honeymoon, coming back to find they got more than they bargained for when they married their spouse. They discover a whole new side of their other half that leaves them to assume that the ring on their spouse’s finger has somehow transformed their lovely fiancé into a terrible and perhaps ungrateful and unromantic monster who leaves the toilet seat up three times a day. 

            Personally, I was spared this disappointment; however, there was a monster living with us when we returned from our honeymoon- that monster was myself! Over the course of our first year of marriage, I was shocked at the revelation of my own ugliness, as the mirror of marriage revealed an insecure, emotional, irrational, depressed, anxious, and jealous woman. Turns out that being single allows a lot of room to hide… from yourself. 

            My husband was and is continually so gracious as I work through the contents of my heart and sort through the baggage I was unaware I was carrying, never making me feel more ashamed or embarrassed of it than I already was.

            Like my revealing stint of marriage, my relationship with the Lord has also proved to be a lot messier than I intended.  Growing up in the church, I loved and knew Jesus from a young age, but it took a decade or two of being in that union to realize the same unworthiness it took only a year or two to see in my marriage to Sam.  The reflection I saw when I began to look at the Bible through the eyes of weak and doubting faith a couple years ago showed a pitiful sight, forcing me to relearn the gospel of grace. I must have thought I was a decent addition to God’s club at a certain point, not claiming perfection but checking off my list of “do’s and don’ts” to excuse what I lacked. God was longsuffering through my empty works and so good to show me eventually that even the “do’s” were disgusting without His help.  Like my husband, He has been gracious. Unlike my husband, He knew my ugly heart from day one and to a degree Sam will never fully know, and still He chose to love me. I found out when Sam proposed that he had gone down to a jewelry shop only three months after we started dating and started paying on my ring.  I’ve always been romanced by that gesture of his confidence and love toward me.  But as Sam so beautifully pointed out to me the other day, Christ topped his own desire to be with me- He bought my engagement ring “before the foundation of the world” (Ephesians 1:4). But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8