The Marriage Advice Nobody Gave Me

How Not To Communicate

Almost four years ago, my best friend asked me to marry him. It didn’t take me long to realize that, perhaps next to sporting a baby bump, nothing solicits opinions like a shiny, new engagement ring.   Pair that with the fact that I worked at a coffee shop at the time, and you can imagine that I was in no short supply of marriage advice.

The counsel I received concerning my upcoming vows ranged from laughable to insulting, as people advised us to keep separate bank accounts, wait until we were older, or to just flat-out “Don’t do it”.  Of course, I also received a plethora of godly advice, which I welcomed enthusiastically: “Refrain from name-calling,” or “pray for each other each daily.”  Among the most common tips were, “Don’t go to bed angry,” and, “Never stop dating your spouse”; but perhaps I received one piece of wisdom more frequently than any other.  It went along the lines of: the key to a healthy marriage is COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION.

I am not a natural “communicator”- especially when it comes to how I’m feeling… But, according to so many wise counselors, I had to get over my fear of talking it out if I wanted my marriage to last.

So, what did I do?  I learned to communicate…

I told Sam all about my feelings and frustrations. I vented to him about my friendships and my boss.  I talked his ear off about my dreams and plans, my hopes and expectations.  I confessed my sins and weaknesses. I let him know when I was feeling disappointed or disheartened.  I talked, and talked, and talked…

Sometimes, I communicated because I couldn’t wait to share my heart with this man who actually cared.  Other times, because I was burdened with the misconception that if he wasn’t on the same page with every waking thought journeying through my mind, our marriage would begin to fall to pieces, bit by bit, unspoken word by word.

Well, long story short, I communicated too much, and in doing so placed expectations on my husband that he was never meant to fulfill.  I had unintentionally turned him into my savior.  And while my always-patient, ever-compassionate husband is an INCREDIBLE teammate in life, he was not designed to be my savior. 

But the Lord impressed a couple of Scriptures on my heart that began to reshape the way I thought about the purpose of our relationship:

 “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4

 “May our daughters be like graceful pillars, carved to beautify a palace.”

–Psalm 144:12

I realized a year or two into my marriage, after developing this habit, that as a wife, I will be a weight in my husband’s life.  The question is, will I be a burden weighing him down, or a support, building him up?

Words are a huge factor in whether I drag him down or lift him up... Communication is important. But the marriage advice I wish had been emphasized:

Communicate with God first. Foremost. And fully.  As a result, God will give you wisdom in communicating with your spouse. There can be no true health in a marriage that is not dependent on Christ. 

I wish I could say that was the turning point, when I realized how my “over-communication” was harming, not helping, our relationship, that I changed my ways and stopped overloading him with my problems and feelings.

Unfortunately, I am still SUCH a work in progress. It is still all too tempting, when I have a rough day with the kids or am strapped with anxiety, to turn to the man instead of the God-Man with my frustrations. I still, all too frequently, dump my inner workings at the feet of my husband, an act saddled with expectations and doomed for disappointment. 

Oh, how often do I leave my husband buckling under the weight of my everything-ness, trying to mend my brokenness… while God is patiently pursuing me, just dying to be the One I bring all my burdens to… the One who is my Savior and did die to make me whole.

So, to sum up the heart behind what I learned the hard way, sometimes it is best to NOT communicate to our spouses.  Is communication important?  YES.  Is confession and prayer and being on the same team a key element to a healthy marriage? YES. Our husbands need to hear our hearts, yes, but their purpose in a Christ-centered marriage is not to function as our savior.

I am amazed at the way the Lord blesses my marriage when- sometimes- I don't communicate.