The Inevitable Demise of my Pretty Picture

 

I suppose it's like anything else... I romanticize, then reality hits.  

The annoying thing is, my romanticized version is so much, well, more romantic. 

Leading up to each foster placement, I always have a few months of preparation: I fill my time with podcasts and books, trauma-informed tools and training.  All the waiting and imagining actually gives me this crazy idea that I will be able to enforce all the great ideas.  That when my next child arrives, I will be able to handle tantrums creatively and calmly.  Every time.  Give them experiences they've never before had: like the zoo and ballet class and piles and piles of picture books.  Go above and beyond to reach out to birth parents.  No matter how they respond.  Create calendars and charts to work on routine and behavior.  

Then there's The Reality: they have four or five appointments scheduled every week... How am I supposed to sign them up for ballet or story time?!  

I may respond to the first five tantrums of the day with grace, but then the sixth one sends me over the edge and I lose my cool...  I know she is reacting out of trauma, but I was just really counting on quiet time. 

 I pray for their family of origin, but I also wrestle and weep and my stomach turns when things play out less than ideally.  

How am I supposed to have time to design a bright and visual calendar, to help them cope with transition?  How am I supposed to have "time-ins" instead of "timeouts" when my other four children need me now.

*Sigh.*  I know life isn't just a pretty picture, but why does it have to be this hard?   

For one, my pretty picture didn't include me on my knees, next to my bed, begging God to give me his heart for these kids.  

My pretty picture overlooked the truths and encouragement that I would desperately depend on, from my church family. 

My pretty picture looked a whole lot more like me being the hero of the story, whereas real life leads me to trust and hope and know that there is One Hero.  

Goodness, I hope and pray that God would help me to have both!  I want the dependent prayers and the thoughtful, patient discipline. I want the family of God in this with me, and the bright and colorful tools that can help these kids heal.  I want Christ glorified through our fostering, and one-on-one dates with each child somewhere in the midst of visitations and therapy appointments and evaluations. 

Can I have both?  I don't know.  I suppose part of it is needing to open my eyes to the "both" that already exists.  There is so much beauty.  So many precious moments and undeniable progress.  

And where both isn't possible?  Perhaps I also praise him, then.  Because at the end of the day, it's his work I want, not my own.  And my pretty picture isn't as pretty as his.