NOT alone in the pew






The pastor’s wife:
 “Like living in a glass house,” 
“No family time to speak of,”
“Practically doomed to rebellious children,”
And,
”Unofficially dubbed secretary of all undesirable church tasks.”  

I won’t lie; slap this job description up there on Craigslist and I won’t touch it with a nine-foot pole.  I don’t care how good the pay is.  And then, a bitter wife of ministry would chime in, “Not good at all.”
 And yet… here I am, a pastor’s wife.  Not necessarily because that’s what I always dreamed of, but because the man of my dreams happens to be a pastor.  A Jesus-loving, worship-leading, Bible-teaching, passionate leader of God’s people.  And you know what?  I am so grateful!  I am totally aware that I am only a couple years into this and there remains much to be seen and heard, felt and fought.  But I refuse to succumb to the depressed attitude largely looming over this passenger seat to ministry.
            It deeply saddens me to read the blogs, see the articles, and talk to the broken and bitter women marred by a life in ministry.  Obviously, this is a real issue where thousands of real families have been neglected and, sometimes, tragically destroyed.  I won’t undermine the inexcusable situations wherein families have been “placed on the altar of ministry”, as they say.  However, I reject the belief that destruction is the ultimate destination of every family and marriage in ministry.  God designated the role of church overseer, and though in no way did he intend it to be comfortable, He desires to richly bless the lives with this anointing- just like every other believer who walks in their unique calling.  
            A good starting point for me to view my husband’s title with joy and not disdain, is to remember that each and every family has to deal with their own set of trials. I cannot fathom being a military wife, virtually raising my family alone for months and years on end.  Firefighters and policemen also essentially ask their spouses to fend for their own half the time.  Small business owners are often interrupted at home with phone-calls and emails.  Roofers and construction workers often face health issues due to a life of labor.  Doctors and nurses are forced to miss birthdays and holidays when on call. I could go on, but I think my point is evident: any position your husband holds will present hurdles for your families.  These hurdles will either become walls, weakening your family unit, or they can be used as a sanctifying tool to create a stronger and closer family.  
Not only did God foreknow my marriage to a pastor (can you tell he’s a Calvinist?), but He also did not leave me ill equipped to handle the position.  This doesn’t mean challenges don’t exist.  But while there are some things that are out of my power, perspective is not one of them.  I choose to look at the common complaints of pastor’s wives as a dare- a dare to keep my eyes on the Lord, trusting Him to transform them into powerful blessings, like I know He can.  

Complaint #1:
“Single-momming it” on Sunday mornings (and every other time the hubby’s away leading or attending a ministry event)
I have heard more than one woman’s irritation, or in some instances sadness, with their husband’s absence on what is a Sabbath for most families.  I can totally sympathize with this frustration, as I’ve spent many Sunday mornings scrambling to get my daughter and myself out the door on time, usually stuck choosing between breakfast and mascara.  It’s true that worshipping as a family is a rare occasion and even though my husband doesn’t travel more than once a month, I understand that it’s hard to keep the house running without your man.  Self-pity and overwhelming emotions creep up fast, and I can only imagine as our family grows- along with his traveling schedule- it will become even more difficult.
Blessing #1:
“Single-momming it” on Sunday mornings (and every other time the hubby’s away leading or attending a ministry event)
While it would be easy to wallow in the fact that every other family gets to go to church together (which, as previously mentioned, isn’t even true), there is a disguised blessing of marrying into a career that turns you into a “part-time single mom”. While the long, lonely weekends with a teething baby may bring me to tears, those are the same weekends I experience the lavish benevolence of the Lord.  The very Sunday-morning scrambles that give me a deep appreciation for my husband, are the Sundays that send me to a Strength beyond my own. I desire to walk by faith each day, but it’s hard to run to the Lord when my husband’s open arms and open ears are so tangible at the end of the day.  And for that reason, I am grateful for the difficult days “alone”.  Because though the natural result of missing your other half leaves you operating on empty, the supernatural result of relying on God’s grace is trading in our weakness for His power.

Complaint #2:
Always on call!
Perhaps the most recurrent grievance I hear concerning being in the ministry is that the line is blurred between work hours and family time.  For example, a pastor may get home from work at 5 p.m. like most husbands, but when he gets a phone call at 1 a.m. from a church member in crisis, he will be unable to suppress the urge to a) pick up the phone and b) get in his car and be there for his friend.   Or sometimes it can be the simple annoyance of trying to have date night without being interrupted three times by church-goers, some of who have this crazy idea that running into a pastor in public implies divine intervention and a thirty-minute counseling session.  Understandably grating at times.
Blessing #2:
Always on call!
I know as this scenario begins to play out time after time, it can be motivation for any pastor’s wife to want to turn in her two weeks.  But while it’s easy to blame a husband for working around the clock, choose to see his character in these situations.  Put yourself in his shoes- do you think he wants to leave you in your warm, cozy bed at 1 am?  Realizing the sacrificial heart of your husband will help you support him through those long hours and long nights. A huge part of maintaining a good attitude as a pastor’s wife is remembering that you are on his team. Talk about his ministry, encourage his ministry, and pray for his ministry! And you may find next time he has to leave right when the dinner table’s set, you will find compassion rather than disdain for the interrupter, and admiration not bitterness for your husband.

Complaint #3
Life in a Fishbowl
“Life in a fishbowl” implies that most families in ministry lack both privacy and feel the need to maintain constant “together-ness”.  This combination creates somewhat of a “celebrity status”, even in a small church, where the pastor and his wife are talked about, his children observed, and his family pressed for more relationships than they can humanly handle.  The result is sadly A) church scandal as the family eventually implodes under the strains and/or B) the backfiring and betrayal of friendships as they realize this family’s faults.  I am guilty of participating in the “church paparazzi” while growing up.  I couldn’t have fathomed weakness in my pastors- and certainly not their wives.  After all, they had a smile permanently etched on their faces and I never saw their flawless figures sport the same outfit twice.  Now, I would never assume these dear people to be insincere or hypocritical.  I believe they were genuinely joyful and godly people.  But I did carry a complex into my marriage, insecure of the personality and appearance I figured I must improve to properly carry the title of “Pastor’s Wife”.
Blessing #3
Life in a Fishbowl
After years of my husband’s exasperated assurances that I need not become “perky, extroverted, or lead a Bible study” to stand by his side- a stance echoed by our church staff- I have come to realize not every pastor’s wife is cut out of the same cloth.  Upon accepting that it’s okay to be introverted and not dressed to the nines for every service, I have found great freedom in exposing my weaknesses and growing with the church around me.  I have since reaped the enormous blessing of being a pastor’s wife.  I have reinterpreted the relationships in the church to be a supportive, extended family rather than an invasive nemesis competing for my husband’s time and energy. How can I complain when we have been continually invited into strangers’ homes for a home-cooked meal, encouraged and embraced in seasons of struggle, and told that our daughter is prayed for daily by congregants.  I have discovered that when you hide no flaw, they hold back no love.

Comments

  1. Oh, wait....what was it Grandma Teri always said?
    "Blessed is the maid that expecteth nothing,
    for she will not be disappointed!"
    Seems the difference between blessing and cursing can be one
    attitude change away!
    Nice articles. Well done, and very good perspective!
    Carry on!
    Grannie Linda

    ReplyDelete

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