Is Anything Big?

It feels big that we just cared for a total of five children, for over six months. It feels big that we have been foster parents for a total of two years.

Whether or not that season has ended I do not know, but what I do know is that a new season has begun.  We are not fostering right now. Our hearts need to pause. And sigh. And snuggle on the couch for a little bit longer. 

But even as I have spent the last few weeks sleeping in a little bit longer, devouring books, and organizing closets… I sense a void.  A void in my time and energy.  Caring for five children left no leftovers. There was never enough one-on-one time with each child. Never enough snacks in the pantry. Never enough (if any!) date nights with my husband. And my goodness, never enough quiet moments to just think and be. 

Now three, older kids remain in my home who are all pretty self-sufficient.  And while I still get to babysit and kiss my foster littles while their mama has appointments, they are no longer my responsibility.  They are no longer under my care for my every waking second of the day and every creaking tiptoe of the night.  

My body is restless, my mind antsy.  I can feel the natural reach in me, to fill this void with something “big”.  Foster care felt big.  Too big to handle without daily coming before Christ and begging him for help.  

And so I think, what’s next? A new ministry? A new project? A new homeschool curriculum? At moments I’ve even wondered if I should go get a job, or start pursuing a college degree…  

I have to do something with this space?! 

Again and again, though, I keep being reminded that small is okay.  Waiting is good.  God works in the space and in the quiet and in the small, seemingly unimportant things.  

Making home improvements feels selfish, when there’s a world of pain out there and children without a safe home.  But can I paint a wall and believe God’s pleasure in that act?

Reading library books to my kids seems like a insignificant gesture, but do I know how to receive those giggles and snuggles as a gift from God, knowing it’s undeserved? 

Running a friend a cup of coffee, or writing a note of encouragement to someone I know is grieving—can I worship the Father in these small ways? 

I had a list of goals for 2023. It filled my lined notebook page, top to bottom. But he replaced all my  dreams and ideas with one simple intention—-

Want Christ, in everything. Just be with him, in everything.  He is enough, in everything. 

At first, I thought “wow, he’s really changing my goals from big to small”, but then it hit me: is anything really big?  Foster care “feels” big, but it amounted to minute by minute, hour by hour choices: 

Would I fill that sippy cup of water for that child, in his name? 

Would I impose myself into a sibling argument with impatience or grace? 

Would I sweep the floor again because I have to or because God is worthy? 

Now there's no sippy cups. And one, good sweep suffices for the day. But my days are still made up of hours that are made up of choices that are made up of motives.  Who am I letting shape the desires and actions that compose my days?  Who is with me as I carry out each task? 

Apart from God, I’ve felt the emptiness of living only for myself, “my lusts and passions, my god as my belly”. 

Apart from God, I’ve felt the emptiness of pouring myself out for charities and volunteer work and church ministries.

And no matter how big or small the world perceives your roles to be, none of them bring joy…  Apart from Jesus.

But I’ve also known his fullness of joy.  It’s not found in the big things (if there is any such thing).  It’s simply found with him.