This "No" is Breaking Me

It's an odd grief.  To feel that I've lost loved ones, but that it is my own fault.  So even the grief leaves me feeling guilty...

If only I had a greater capacity. If only they were with me.  If only we had said yes.  

But these are the limits and the boundaries that God has set for me in this season.  Do I believe that the boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places?  That my inheritance is delightful?  (Ps 16:6)  

I don't like to be limited.  It feels that limits are stunting me, holding me back from what's best.  And yet, even my limits are designated by my Sovereign God.  The "no's" are a gift, as well as the "yes's".  

But this is different, I say to myself.  My "no" affects more than just me.  It affects these little people who have no forever home as of right now.  It affects hearts who are with strangers now.  It affects their story.  Do I believe you can use even this for good? 

Do I believe that the boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places for them?  That these kids' inheritance is delightful? Honestly... No. Right now, I just don't see it.  It seems so NOT good.  

I keep dreaming that I can see these kids.  That I can rescue them, hug them, see the work you've started carried out to completion.  But I can't see right now.  And at the end of the day, I never could rescue them. Only you can do that, Jesus.  

You experienced grief. You said no to coming right away and healing Lazarus.  You wept. You submitted yourself to God's timing and God's way.  When you couldn't see, you trusted. 

Show me how to grieve with you.  To question with you.  To hurt with you.  To say "no" with you.  You know how it's tearing me up inside.  And you can relate.